An origin story

1 Nature created an opaqueness of electrons, neutrons, neutrinos, photons, positrons, and protons. 2 Now the Laws of Nature were determining all phenomena.

3 And Nature said, “Form neutral atoms,” and there was cosmic radiation. 4 Nature saw that the matter was good, and the stars and planets formed. And there were many evenings, and there were many mornings — the first eon.

5 And Nature said, “Let there be a synthesis of large, carbon-based molecules.” 6 So Nature coalesced molecules upon some of the planets into larger forms that were compartmentalized and could self-replicate. And it was so. 7 Nature called these forms “life.” And there were many more evenings and mornings — the ninth eon.

8 And Nature said, “Let the waters produce forms of life that cooperate.” And it was so. 9 The waters and then the lands produced all kinds of complex, wild creatures. And yet even more evenings and mornings — the twelfth eon.

10 And Nature said, “Let the land produce creatures according to their kinds: the horizontals, creatures that move along the ground; and the winged, creatures that fly above the land.” And it was so.

11 Then Nature said, “Let us make the verticals, creatures that move upright upon two legs, so that they may free their hands.”

12 Nature selected the verticals and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number.” 13 And the verticals did as Nature said, and then some. 14 They tamed fire, produced tools and inspired works of art, looked to the sky and space beyond, and manufactured marvelous machines and fantastic devices. 

15 They were indeed fruitful and increased in number, exponentially. 16 The verticals harvested the wild creatures of the sea and land until there were no more, turned fire upon the land, and poisoned the air, the soil, and the water.

17 The verticals turned once again to the sky, and sent vessels, each with two of their unborn, into space.

1 Now one of the vessels, which had traveled a millennium, landed upon a planet where all kinds of life grew out of the land — living things that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. 2 In the middle of the landing site rest the vessel, wherein lie the two unborn verticals and the flat rectangle of high-rated and low-rated.

3 The vessel provided all that the two verticals required to grow and develop to maturity.

4 The vessel gave instructions to the verticals on how to work the land and take care of it. 5 And the vessel commanded the verticals, “You are free to leaf through any of the chunky squares on how to gather or grow food; 6 but you must not touch the rectangle of high-rated and low-rated, for if you do you will certainly die.”

1 Now the rectangle of high-rated and low-rated was more alluring than the wild creatures that Nature had made. 2 Flashes of light without warmth leaped from it. 3 When the two verticals saw that the rectangle was pleasing to the eye and desirable for gaining idleness, they touched its impossibly smooth, flat surface.

4 The verticals sat before the rectangle, which streamed sensational images and sounds their eyes had not seen, nor ears heard. 5 Together they watched the “originals,” the “trending now,” and all the “episodes” of every “series.” 

6 The rectangle fell silent and dark. The last of the energy stored up in the vessel had been consumed. 7 The two verticals stared hungry and wide-eyed at their reflections in the rectangle; they had acquired that which was forbidden them. 8 Newly possessed of language and speech, one of the verticals spoke thus:

“Holy sh**, Adam! We’re naked.”

9 And the rest of the story, well, that’s history.